Communication in Marriage: Does This Keep You from Going DEEPER?

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Many couples experience a nagging sense that something is off in their marriage. Whether it’s frequent arguments over trivial matters, the dreaded cold shoulder, or a frustrating stall in their sex life, these issues point to an underlying disconnect. Recognizing that something is wrong is the first step, but figuring out how to address it can feel overwhelming. Where do you start? How do you pinpoint the root issue and move forward?

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. And you’re in the right place! Today, we’re exploring practical ways to improve communication in your marriage – a crucial step in building deeper, more meaningful connections. Let’s dive in.

Building a Strong Foundation

A healthy marriage starts with a solid foundation. As a Christian sex educator, relationship coach, author, and speaker, I believe that this foundation is rooted in God’s principles. Without it, even everyday challenges can spiral into unexpected difficulties. To frame this idea, I use something I call the Oneness Factor – a concept built on three key components, one of which is communication. Today, we’re focusing on that aspect to help you create communication that truly connects.

The Four Levels of Communication

In marriage, communication exists on different levels, and each one plays a role in fostering connection. To make this concept easy to understand, I use the word “FOND,” representing four levels of communication. For today’s discussion, we’re unpacking the first level: Facts.

The "Facts" Level

Sharing facts is the most basic level of communication. It involves exchanging simple, surface-level information – the kind of conversation you might have with a stranger. For example, when you’re checking out at the grocery store and mention the weather, you’re engaging in facts-level communication. This type of exchange requires no vulnerability and poses no risk.

While it might seem trivial, facts-level communication does have its place in marriage. Here’s why:

1. Creates Respect: Sharing facts about your day’s events includes your spouse in the details of your life, fostering a sense of mutual respect.
2. Establishes a Safe Zone: It’s a neutral starting point for dialogue, avoiding potentially volatile topics like finances or parenting.
3. Supports Daily Functionality: It helps you and your spouse co-parent, co-adult, and navigate the logistics of family life smoothly.

The Limitations of Facts

However, facts alone are not enough. While sharing facts might start conversations, it doesn’t create real connection. Here’s why facts-level communication falls short:

• Lacks Vulnerability: It doesn’t require you to reveal anything personal about yourself.
• Prevents Deeper Connection: It’s surface-level and doesn’t build trust or intimacy.
• Feels Empty Over Time: Relying solely on facts can leave both partners feeling frustrated and disconnected.

To cultivate a deeper connection, couples need to move beyond facts and engage in more meaningful exchanges. But for now, let’s focus on how to make the most of this level of communication.

Practical Tip: Share Your Schedule

One practical way to strengthen communication at the facts level is by regularly sharing your schedules. This might seem simple, but it’s a small step that can have a big impact on how smoothly your family life runs. Consider these options:

• Digital Tools: Use a shared calendar app to keep each other updated on appointments, plans, and commitments.
• Family Wall Calendar: A physical calendar in a central location can serve as a visual reminder for everyone.

By keeping each other informed, you create a sense of teamwork and collaboration that lays the groundwork for deeper conversations.

Going Deeper

While facts-level communication is important, it’s just the beginning. Finding regular ways to stay in touch and share information is essential, but so is being mindful of when and how you want to deepen your connection. As you practice sharing facts, think about how you can gradually move into more vulnerable and intimate levels of communication.

Final Thoughts

Marriage is a journey, and communication is a cornerstone of its success. Remember, God has answers for every area of your life, including your relationship. By starting with practical steps like sharing facts and gradually building deeper levels of connection, you can transform your marriage into a partnership that thrives.

Together, let’s explore the ways to strengthen your relationship and uncover the deeper connection you’ve been longing for.