3 Steps to Resolve Conflict with the Right Motivation

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Have you ever been taught how to fall off a horse? It might sound strange, but when I was learning to ride, my instructor started by teaching me exactly that. She explained that it wasn’t a matter of if I would fall off, but when I would. And when that moment came, I needed to know how to handle it to avoid injury.

It was a pivotal moment for me, one that stuck with me—and it’s actually quite similar to marriage. In marriage, the inevitable happens: conflict. It's not a matter of if, but when it will arise. So, just like learning how to fall off a horse, learning how to resolve conflict in your marriage is crucial. And it can make all the difference in the long run.

In this blog post, we’ll explore why conflict resolution is so important in your relationship and how it can ultimately lead to a healthier, more intimate marriage. We’ll also look at three practical steps to resolve conflict with the right mindset.

Why Is Conflict Resolution So Important?

Conflict in marriage can feel uncomfortable, but it’s an essential skill to master. Resolving conflicts in a healthy way leads to more peace in the relationship, which makes everything easier—whether you're navigating finances, family gatherings, or even intimate moments. When you know how to handle disagreements constructively, it strengthens the foundation of your marriage and creates space for personal growth.

When couples can effectively resolve conflicts, they experience clearer communication and emotional intimacy. And here's the surprising part: It also impacts your sex life. Yes, learning to navigate conflicts thoughtfully can actually improve your connection in the bedroom.

A passage from Matthew 6:21 reminds us: “Your heart will pursue what you esteem as treasure.” In a marriage, those treasures are the loving moments, the connection, and the peace you share. Conflict resolution helps protect those treasures and ensures that your relationship thrives.

The Cost of Avoiding Conflict Resolution

But what happens when conflicts are left unresolved? The stress accumulates, and you find yourself in a constant state of tension—what is often referred to as "fight, flight, or freeze." This kind of ongoing stress takes a toll on both your emotional well-being and your physical health. Over time, it can make you feel exhausted, disconnected, and unhappy in your marriage.

In many cases, couples who don’t resolve conflict can grow distant. This lack of closeness may even lead some to consider divorce, thinking that the solution lies in finding a new partner. But here’s the truth: even if you divorce and remarry, if you haven’t learned how to resolve conflict, the same issues will eventually arise. It's not about if, but when. The skill of conflict resolution is what can turn things around and make a marriage work.

Three Steps to Resolve Conflict

Now, let’s dive into the steps that can help you resolve conflict in a healthy and productive way. These are simple yet powerful strategies that will help you create a deeper connection with your spouse.

1. Share Information About Yourself, Not Your Spouse

When you're in the heat of a conflict, it’s easy to point fingers and say things like “you always do this” or “you never listen.” But this kind of language only escalates the situation and makes your spouse feel attacked. Instead, share your thoughts and feelings by focusing on yourself.

For example, instead of saying “You never help with the housework,” try saying “I feel overwhelmed when I’m doing all the cleaning myself.” This shifts the focus to how you feel, which is something your spouse can more easily understand and respond to.

2. Try to Understand Each Other, Not to Agree 100%

It's unrealistic to expect complete agreement in every conflict. After all, you and your spouse are two unique individuals with different perspectives. The goal should not be to win or to convince the other person that you’re right. Instead, aim for mutual understanding.

You might not agree on every single point, but when you listen to each other’s perspectives with empathy, you build a deeper connection. Understanding each other is far more important than being right.

3. Keep Connection and Closeness as Your Goal

When conflict arises, it’s easy to focus solely on resolving the disagreement. But remember, the real goal is to maintain closeness and connection in your marriage. Remind yourselves that conflicts are temporary, and the relationship is what truly matters.

Even during difficult moments, if you keep your focus on restoring connection and moving forward together, you’re more likely to emerge stronger as a couple. The resolution of a conflict isn’t just about fixing the issue at hand, but about growing together as a team.

The Bigger Picture: Sexual Wholeness and Emotional Intimacy

It’s important to recognize that unresolved conflict can affect more than just your emotional connection—it can impact your physical connection, too. Emotional distance can make intimacy feel strained, and the lack of closeness can leave both partners feeling disconnected in the bedroom.

But when you learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy, constructive way, you create a sense of emotional security. That emotional closeness will naturally translate to a stronger physical connection as well, fostering a deeper level of intimacy in your marriage.

Final Thoughts

Conflict resolution isn’t always easy, but it’s an essential skill for a thriving marriage. By focusing on understanding each other, sharing your thoughts and feelings openly, and maintaining closeness, you can resolve conflicts in a way that strengthens your relationship.

Remember: it’s not about avoiding conflict, but about learning how to handle it with love, respect, and understanding. And when you do, your marriage will grow stronger, your connection deeper, and your intimacy richer.